Stirrings of spring

Last spring, I had a startling sense of clarity after engaging in the simple contemplative practice of picking up sticks. A year later, I returned to the site of this epiphany.

What happened? I picked up sticks.

Pretty anticlimactic, huh? On the surface, yes. I walked, scanned the yard, picked up sticks, carried them to the fire pit, and dumped them in. Again, and again, and again.

In fact, I was so focused on this rhythm that the Retreat Director asked if I was spending too much time in the yard and not enough on me. It wasn’t obvious that this external “work” was all about getting in touch with what was stirring within me.

What did I notice? First, the “leavings” of the last year were apparent. I had left a wonderful ministry. My youngest child had permanently left the nest. My mom and my aunt had left this earth. There were many losses to grieve. And I’m not even mentioning all the sufferings of our world.

Something else was also happening. As I sat on a bench, I noticed that my breathing felt easier. I was less in my head and more aware of my body. As I went deeper, there was a great sense of spaciousness emerging within me. One without limits; one that offered incredible inner freedom.

What does this mean? I don’t know, but I do have more questions: Can I trust this deep connection between loss and grief and inner freedom? Am I being invited to live into an expanding sense of spaciousness? Will this make a difference in how I am present to others, to nature and to our suffering world?

No clarity this spring; just an emerging sense of possibility.

How about you? What’s stirring within you this spring?


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